


Falling to pieces

by teamfreeawesome



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Depression, M/M, but it's not really the focus?, it's lilo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-09
Updated: 2013-08-09
Packaged: 2017-12-22 22:35:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/918810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamfreeawesome/pseuds/teamfreeawesome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Liam wakes up curled around his Louis and he realises that he feels himself, every day, slipping that little bit closer to empty. <em></em></em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling to pieces

**Author's Note:**

> Um. This is really mostly a character study and also an exploration of depression and loneliness and the helplessness that comes along with that.
> 
> If anyone notices anything glaringly inaccurate or hugely offensive, please let me know and I'll sort it out. 
> 
> It's not beta-d because my lovely beta/proof-reader/best friend is currently away *sobs* with limited internet access *cries*. So, feel free to point out grammatical/spelling errors!
> 
> Disclaimer: This is not true. It's a work of fiction and no harm was meant by the writing of this. To me: fanfiction One Direction are fictional characters. I don’t, in any way, equate the stories to their real-life counter parts, because they aren’t the same people. Also, please, nobody send this to anyone included in this fic or anyone that they know. 
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated <3

Sometimes, Liam takes the time to reflect on his life. He halts the flow of mundane, everyday worries and _stops_ ; existential thoughts flickering silently behind a shuttered expression. He closes off from the world because his boys can read him like an open book, and maybe sometimes he just needs to hold things close to his chest and keep them for _himself_. In those small snatches of time he saves, pulled from the noise and chaos of his life, Liam contemplates the slow, seething, _hurt_ little place that sits heavy and tangled in heart.

 

So Liam stands sleepily in the 24 hour Tesco - lighting stark and unflattering; the aisles echoic and deserted (as they _should_ be at 3 a.m.) - and feels the ragged edges of half-formed thoughts slither to the forefront of his mind. Liam very carefully pushes at the dark; gently shunts it back where it hides, covering it up with tired contemplation of _home_. He thinks about Louis declaring he wants hot chocolate, his finger jabbing repeatedly into Liam’s chest until he agrees to go out and buy milk and he focuses gently on his lingering resentment towards Niall for drinking it all last night and forgetting to tell anyone.  (And Liam’s not petty, but sometimes petty is all that keeps him from sinking into the black of ‘ _I can’t’_ ).

And in the days afterwards - a September afternoon; Louis already forgiven for the horrendous early morning shopping trip - Liam’s hands are warm and soapy as he washes up the tea mugs, his eyelids drooping lazily as the sun drifts overhead; and Liam feels the steady creep of hopelessness winding its way through his body once again.

 

So, Liam mulls thoughts over in those moments not consumed by his band - his family - and he _wonders_ what it would feel like to not be sad.

 

Because.

 

Liam’s not sure anymore that he can even remember what _content_ feels like – let alone happy. The thing is, though, that Liam _knows_. He _knows_ he’s capable of happy because he used to smile all the time. He used to feel full to the brim with cheerful; his life an overspill of laughter bubbling up past his skin. Before. _Logically_ , he knows this.  But Liam thinks that maybe he’s so far past the point of okay that even _remembering_ happy is like trying to recollect what he had for breakfast six years ago. (Liam’s of the opinion that not even Niall could remember that). So, Liam’s not really surprised that even his best memories come disconnected from the feelings they evoked at the time.

 

See, Liam thinks that every day is already like walking through treacle – slow and exhausting, feet dragging stickily through minutes – so dredging up emotion on top of that feels insurmountable. But he _tries_. He sinks into memories that made him happy at the time; clutches at them desperately.

 

( _Zayn laughing unchecked, grin wide and cheeks flushed; Harry falling fully clothed into the swimming pool and surfacing with the most ridiculously wide-eyed look of shock Liam has ever seen; hanging out with penguins and Niall at the zoo, hiding his ice cream from grabby hands as he laughs uncontrollably in the face of a disgruntled pout; and quiet moments with Louis, erratic energy softened with exhaustion and contentment)._

 

But those things; now they’re just sepia-toned memories drenched in the grey sludge of apathy that’s slowly suffocating everything Liam is. Like flickers of home-movies, Liam hears himself laugh, sees himself from afar – mouth wide, cheeks stretched, _happy_ – and memory-Liam certainly looks content. But Liam can’t connect with that version of himself anymore. There’s just a wall of cold between him and the world and sometimes Liam wishes the Earth would stop turning, just for a moment, so he can try to understand why even the air feels like it’s dying.

 

*

Liam thinks that maybe he should be careful. Because he’s had weeks and weeks and _months_ where every small, unimportant thing has made him want to turn his face away and choke out painful sobs into the sleeve of his worn out hoodie.

 

_(His dad laughing at him and ruffling his hair when Liam cautions against potentially dangerous gardening techniques – and Liam balks, feels a lump in his throat and he swallows hard; knows that if he speaks, he’ll weep)_

 

Liam feels so fragile that sometimes even a kind smile in an elevator shatters the strength inside him and he trembles with _hurt_. So he _should_. He should be careful.

 

*

 

Liam drops a mug on the floor on a Thursday; watches it fall from his limp fingers and smash into three pieces; and suddenly he’s howling – wild, wrenching, _aching_ sobs - and trying to see through his tears to find the hoover.

 

 _(Louis finds him like that, tear tracks smeared across his face, clutching at the ruined pieces of Harry’s favourite mug. Louis gently removes them from Liam’s grip and wipes tenderly at the small cuts on Liam’s hands; he carefully kisses each one, cooing softly about “silly Leemo’s” before coaxing him back into bed._ ).

 

But. Liam wakes up curled around his Louis and he realises that he feels himself, every day, slipping that little bit closer to empty. Every moment is a step closer to losing touch with happy and warm and bright, until one day Liam will just be numb - and Louis won’t want him anymore.

 

*

 

They’re getting worried, Liam knows. But he doesn’t know how to explain that he’s not ‘sad’ for a _reason_. He just _is_. So he panics when they fuss and shouts when they sit by him and trembles when they love him because it _hurts_ , and each second with them hardens the lump in his throat and tightens the words in his chest until he’s sobbing on the stairs as he tries to remember how to breathe.  

 

Liam tries to explain that it’s like he’s losing himself beneath a crushing weight – it’s heavy on his chest; his shoulders; his _lungs_ – and each new inhale – each beat of his heart – adds another pound. That Liam _hurts_ and every touch, every look, feels like another bruise to his heart. But they don’t… they don’t _understand_ and Louis is looking at him like he wants to cry and - just - _no_ , that wasn’t… that isn’t what he wants.

 

So Liam smiles shakily and pretends. He’s good at that now. Liam grins at the world and laughs at the sun and every breath he takes closes him off from his life by one more inch.

 

But he worries. He’s Liam and he worries while he still _can_ , because the problem with losing touch with the pain, is that when it’s gone... well, Liam will be left with nothing to feel at all. 

**Author's Note:**

> um, you can find me on Tumblr under the same username if you would like. love you guys


End file.
